After the riotous news that Uncle Woy is being lined up by the FA for the England job at the Euros and beyond, we’re taking a momentary look into the subsequent movers and shakers as the Hodge eyes his English football throne…
1) Woy Hodgson
Let’s start with the head-banging face-rubbing English Mother Theresa himself; plucky Woy who has, lest we forget, managed 18 teams across nine countries.
He’s English, he’s coached at international level before with Switzerland and the United Arab Emirates, and he’s got a wealth of experience having managed 29 teams across 15 countries. Unlike adversary ‘Arry who’s nose is dirtier than the Anfield woodwork, Woy is a bastion of spotless English man – a humble, morris-dancing, county-cricket-watching, dog-loving, double-decker-bus-riding saint who’ll describe his team’s performance as ‘spiffing’ and bid you ‘good day’.
He won the Swedish championship in 1976 and has, quite frankly, never looked back, reaching global distinction managing 67 teams across 28 countries – including his brave venture into Rwandan football despite the evident enunciation minefield.
The FA could do a lot worse than tactical mastermind. Woy who’ll undoubtedly be wasting no time preparing for the European Championships; penning respectful strategies to combat the formidable Johan Elmander and Andriy Voronin whilst building his squad around Bobby Zamora.
2) ‘Arry Redknapp
Somewhere in Norf Landun, ‘Arry is leaning out of his car window looking desperately for Andy Burton. This is not triffic or fantastic by any stretch of the imagination for poor Henry James Redknapp; and spare a thought for young son Jamie – we hear he was steaming his tight-pleated trousers as the news broke which interrupted literally the greatest night in ironing history having been up against it with a huge wicker basket full at one point before bouncing back, literally, to finish just before the water tank ran dry.
‘Arry seemed to be nailed on for the Ingerlund job; this evening’s news must have been a bombshell, compounded by a call from Geoff Shreeves to confirm that, with regret, ‘no job means no trip to the Euros for you, ‘Arry. But how are you feeling?’
Anyhow, this nation loves a perennial loser and ‘Arry, on the verge of bottling Spurs’ best season since fucking ages ago when it probably ‘ended in a 1’, will always be the people’s champion. He can’t read, he can’t write – God bless ‘Arry and his 30 years of management and one FA Cup. Here’s a thought, maybe he was offered the job after all… via email?
3) Paul Konchesky
Unconfirmed rumours from the Konchesky household suggest Paul let out a Gary-Neville-commentary-box-orgasm ‘ooooooooaAaAaaahhhhhhhheeEeeEeeEeeooooooOooOooOooOooaaaaeeee’ when that sacred, yellow Sky Sports News ticker broke the Woy story though one suggestion from a neighbour indicated that Mrs Konchesky often has her moustache waxed on Sundays so we’ll not speculate.
Still, ‘tis great news for the Konch – the man who Woy deemed a ‘big coup’ when joining Liverpool from Fulham is now plying his trade with Leicester City where his wand of a left foot is much appreciated. Trending on Twitter within minutes of the FA announcement, Paul and Woy go hand-in-hand as the latter has always valued the left-back’s game intelligence – the Konch is pacey, positionally-sound, never gives away silly free-kicks in dangerous areas and always keeps his eye firmly on his opponent – except Aaron Lennon who, in the Konch’s defence, is really fast and really small. And of course, with a name like Konchesky in an Eastern European tournament, Woy will expect him to feel ‘right at home’.
And as the Hodge always takes a fancy to dependable, loyal players, we expect Paul to be lining up in the England back four which could yet be protected by Christian Poulsen having got wind of early enquiries made by Woy as to whether the Dane has an English grandparent.
4) Patrick Barclay
The Jean-Luc Picard wannabe has had his tongue up Woy’s starfish for many a year and the popping champagne corks were audible outside Paddy’s London residence on Sunday evening among eye-witness accounts of bulk Kleenex orders arriving by courier.
The recently deposed (ouch) Chief Football Commentator at The Times now dreamily articulates about his Woyal Woyness in the London Evening Standard when he isn’t referring to Liverpool supporters as dunderheads.
This is a colossal victory for Barclay who has long-lauded Woy and vented his spleen at the ‘dark forces’ that saw the Hodge leave Anfield – we can only assume he was referring to those night-time defeats to Northampton, Stoke, Wolves and Blackburn.
In fact, in the space of ten months dating back from March 2010 to January 2011, Paddy felt the need to pen five feature articles dedicated to Woy. These pieces stretched from the far-fetched to the seriously…what-the-fuck, Paddy? Dragging narratives to a Woy-filled tangent seemed to be Paddy’s party-piece; he just had to get the Owl in somewhere, somehow.
Paddy gushed over the ‘new special one of SW6’ and how the country’s lack of appreciation towards Sir Woy reflected ‘dismally’ on all of us. There was fawning over a man he deemed ‘a motivator, tactician and trainer of the highest order’ and constant barracking of Fabio Capello (who are ya?!) because he simply wasn’t Woy.
And just last week, old Pat was up to his old tricks lambasting ‘mindless’ Liverpool supporters for being ‘hasty in turning against’ Hodgson in his fateful Anfield helm. Someone ought to keep an eye on poor Paddy just in case the Hodge comes up against formidable opponents in the Euros – to be on the safe side keep that man away from his keyboard and his gin.